Kind Feedback: It's About Them, Not You

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Most people don’t fear the truth. They fear judgment. You can tell people the truth if you say it the right way.

Feedback shouldn’t be criticism. Feedback should be a gift to the other person. It should help them grow and improve for next time. And not all feedback needs to be given. If you’re giving feedback just to sound smart, stop. That is ego, not care.

Feedback only works when the other person can hear it. When people feel judged, they shut down. Keep the feedback focused on what benefits them, and they will receive it. 

That is why empathy matters, and timing too. If someone feels stressed or upset, wait. If the moment is wrong, wait. 

This is why emotional intelligence matters. It helps you choose the right moment and the right tone.

If you want to understand why emotional intelligence is so important, I explore that more in Why Emotional Intelligence Might Be the Key to Your Growth.

You Are a Feedback Pilot and It’s Time to Land

Truth alone is not enough. Delivery matters.

Think of feedback like flying a plane. The goal is not to stay in the air. The goal is to land safely. If you deliver feedback with frustration or force, the message crashes on the runway. And that isn't good for anyone.

This is not about being soft. Pilots fly direct to the destination. The same is true for feedback. You must be honest. You must be clear. And you must land the message so the other person can use it.

And remember, circling above the airport doesn’t help. Waiting too long only makes the landing harder. Give the feedback while it still matters. Keep it short. Make it clear. Land safely.

Principles of Feedback

These are simple rules to keep in mind as you deliver feedback. They make feedback easier to give and easier to hear.

• Be kind - talk about the behavior, not them as a person.

• Be clear - be specific and not vague.

• Be timely - address issues promptly and before they’re forgotten.

• Be fair - don’t be biased and avoid unreasonable standards.

• Be two-way - listen to their perspective, it might change yours.

These ideas connect closely with the book Radical Candor by Kim Scott. The core message is simple. Care personally. Challenge directly. When you do both, feedback becomes honest and humane.

Feedback Is Kindness, Even When It Feels Hard

Here’s a simple test. When is it kind to tell someone they smell bad?

Right before they go on a date that could change their life.

“Go shower. Go crush that date.”

That is kindness.

Honesty is care. Avoiding the truth is not kindness. Truth helps people succeed. You can deliver the truth with respect and still make it easier to hear.

And don’t hold back on the positive feedback either. If someone did great work, tell them. People are hungry for real praise - so tell them, it might even feel good.

Keep Your Feedback Clear So It Is Understood

Clarity is not harsh. Clarity is helpful. These examples show the difference.

Vague: “Your emails are confusing.”
Specific: “Yesterday’s email had three topics in one paragraph. Could you split future emails into bullets with one action each?”

Vague: “You need to be better in meetings.”
Specific: “In Monday’s meeting you spoke for 15 minutes without pausing. Could you pause after each point and invite questions?”

Feedback Is Built on Emotional Intelligence

Good feedback starts with emotional intelligence.

Self-management: Control your emotions before you speak.

Social awareness: Notice how the other person feels. Read the room.

Relationship management: Deliver the message in a way that builds trust, not fear.

This is the engine behind strong feedback.

Common Pitfalls to Avoid

Most feedback goes wrong for simple reasons. Avoid these traps and you’ll communicate with more clarity and care.

• Saving feedback for weeks. 

• Mixing old and new issues.

• Attacking the person instead of the behavior.

• Giving too many requests at once.

• Making it about your feelings instead of the impact.

A Simple Framework That Helps You Get It Right

If you remember nothing else, remember this. Use a framework. It keeps you calm, clear, and focused on behavior, not personality.

COIN (Context, Observation, Impact, Next step)

• Context: “In yesterday’s team meeting…”

• Observation: “…you interrupted Sam twice while she spoke.”

• Impact: “…it shut down the debate and Sam went quiet.”

• Next step: “Can we raise our hand next time?”

Frameworks are not scripts. They are guidelines. They help you cover everything the other person needs to hear.

How to Give Tough Feedback Without Making Things Worse

Hard feedback does not have to hurt. These steps keep the conversation safe and useful.

• Do it as close to the event as possible.

• Choose a private place.

• Use a calm voice.

• Describe what happened.

• Focus on the behavior, not the person.

• Don’t jump to conclusions or pass judgment.

• Consider asking for clarification.

• Offer one clear next step.

What Feedback Is Really For

Feedback is not about being nice. It's about being kind enough to help the other person win.

When you care enough to be honest and keep it focused on the other person, you help them grow. You help them become a better version of themselves.

That is not just communication. That is leadership.

Influence: How to Make Progress With Other People

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Progress is rarely a solo act. Whether you’re shaping ideas, resolving conflict, or driving change, success depends on others choosing to move with you. 

Influence is the skill that turns ideas into movement.

Influence Begins With Respect

Influence is part of everyday life. You influence people when you share an idea, make a recommendation, or express a preference. It’s relational. It respects the other person’s agency. It says: “Here’s my perspective. You choose.”

Manipulation crosses the line when someone shapes another person’s thoughts or behaviour without their awareness or without respecting their autonomy. It hides its motives. It pressures, distorts, or exploits. It communicates: “I’m steering you, and I don’t want you to notice.”

The difference is intent.

Influence encourages someone toward an outcome that benefits them, even if it benefits you as well.

Manipulation moves someone toward an outcome that serves you at their expense.

The difference will either build or erode your character over time.

The Foundations of Influence

Influence is the endgame of the soft skills. It’s how communication, empathy, and confidence convert into results. A topic I explore further in Communication Is a Superpower.

At its core, influence works because people respond to three things:

1. Logic — what makes sense
2. Emotion — what feels right
3. Credibility — who they trust

When one dominates, the message loses its balance and its impact. Logic without humanity can feel cold. Emotion without clarity can feel manipulative. And relying on credibility alone can appear arrogant.

Effective influence blends all three. Credibility earns attention, logic earns agreement, and emotion earns commitment. When they come together, it’s natural. 

Alignment Beats Persuasion

When people think about influence, they often think about convincing: stronger arguments, better logic, sharper rhetoric.

Sometimes that works. Often it doesn’t.

One of the most effective ways to influence is not to persuade, but to align interests. This is why effective negotiation aims for win-win outcomes. When someone can clearly see how a proposed outcome serves their needs, resistance drops. The challenge is understanding what those needs are in the first place. This is where emotional intelligence matters. Influence begins before the conversation. It begins with understanding what the other person values.

Understanding what others value relies on one of the most underappreciated skills: listening, which I cover in detail in Listening: How to Unlock Growth, Connection, and Influence.

Why some people have the power to influence

Power feels abstract. Yet we respond to it constantly, usually without noticing.

We all know people whose opinions carry more weight than others. Think about someone you know who carries influence. 

• Why do people listen to them?
• Why do their opinions carry weight?

When you’ve seen someone fail to get buy-in, what stopped their influence? 

Influence exists within relationships, and certain factors give people more sway in specific situations. These are often described as power bases, such as:

• expertise or skill
• role or authority
• control over information
• trust and personal credibility
• access to networks or decision-makers
• the ability to reward or withhold outcomes

Once you start noticing these in the real world, you’ll see how they shape how people’s responses.

Two things matter here.

1. Power is contextual. Expertise only influences you if you value it. Authority only works if you recognise it.
2. Power is cumulative. Over time, competence, credibility, and relationships reinforce one another.

Understanding this helps you recognise how influence operates and how much influence you have in a given situation.

Push and Pull: What’s Your Style?

Push and pull are two very different styles of influence, and understanding the difference helps you choose the right approach for the situation.

Push is directive. You’re driving the movement. Push says: “Do this. Like this.”

• You give instructions, arguments, or solutions.
• You rely on logic, expertise, or authority.
• You’re trying to move someone toward a specific action or conclusion.
• It works best when clarity, speed, or structure is needed.

If overused, it can make people feel pressured, controlled, or talked at. Resistance goes up. It creates compliance without commitment.

Pull is inviting. You’re drawing the other person toward the idea. Pull says: “How do you want to do this?”

• You ask questions, listen, and explore.
• You appeal to shared values, curiosity, or intrinsic motivation.
• You help the other person discover the conclusion themselves.
• It works best when buy‑in, creativity, or long‑term commitment matters.

When pull is overused, it can feel slow, vague, or indirect. Some people want direction and get frustrated. It can lead to consensus without movement.

Most skilled communicators know when to use them both. Pull creates ownership and is usually more effective over the long term. But don’t underestimate push: it can create rapid movement, especially in a crisis.

Right message, but is it the right time?

Timing shapes how a message lands. The same words can inspire at one moment and irritate at another. Influence depends not just on what is said, but on whether the other person is ready to hear it.

The right message, delivered at the wrong time, becomes the wrong message.

Emotional intelligence is key to sensing when someone is ready for change, a topic I explore more in Why Emotional Intelligence Might Be the Key to Your Growth.

Influence as a Long Game

Influence is rarely achieved in the moment you need it. It’s the result of the relationship as a whole. It comes from quiet, consistent groundwork: the trust you build through reliability, the credibility you establish long before anyone asks for proof, and the small signals of respect you send in everyday interactions. By the time a pivotal conversation arrives, people are already inclined to follow your lead or they are not.

You never know when you might need to influence someone, so prepare over time. Be a team player. Support others. Build relationships. Consistency, integrity, and follow‑through compound. Trust expands your influence. Misuse of power erodes your credibility. You might get away with manipulation in the short term, but over time it burns bridges.

In the long run, you reap what you sow.

Think win-win and, more often than not, you will win.

For those who want to explore influence further, Influence by Robert Cialdini is a seminal work, and personal recommendation would be to read Never Split the Difference by Chris Voss.

Final Thought

Influence isn’t about control. It’s about progress.

When trust is present, timing is right, and interests are aligned, people don’t feel persuaded. They become willing. And willingness is where real progress begins.